I feel dissonant. My worldviews and my life philosophies don't match my emotions. My actions are getting inconsistent. When I'm with you I want to feel like something matters. The worst part is that sometimes I do. Sometimes you make me feel like we matter--but when I'm alone again I know it isn't true. More serotonin can't make me believe that there is a purpose to life, even though I can act that way now. I think I half-hoped it could. Maybe one day I'll be okay with this. Maybe one day I'll happily act like it matters while knowing it doesn't. Or maybe one day I'll just forget.
nothing fucking matters
Right now I feel like I'm either about to experience the best twelve months of my life, or I'm going to be absolutely batshit crazy before the year is through.
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